Marriage, Sex in Marriage

Sex is true equality in marriage. Though the man is the leadership authority in marriage, he becomes a responder in sex. The woman is the responder to the man in marriage, but she can become aggressive in sex. Both are designed for aggressiveness and response in sex. In sex, authority is canceled out because sex is intimacy and privacy equally between the husband and the wife in marriage. The wife can be the initiator in sex just as much as the husband.

Sex in marriage demands demonstration of the husband’s love for his wife in wisdom, tenderness, thoughtfulness, understanding, and self-control. Sex in marriage demands demonstration of the wife’s love for her husband in her submissiveness, abandonment, and joyful response to his love.

Don’t kindle a fire in a woman who is not yet your wife. If this is a problem for those in the courtship or romance phase of their relationship, it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Cor. 7:1; 1 Cor. 7:9.

“Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman.” (1 Corinthians 7:1, NASB)

“But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7:9, NASB)

Then in marriage, the husband is commanded to render unconditional mental attitude agapao love (to give from the ultimate source of himself) and the wife receives this mental attitude love and reflects it back to him. She is the responder. Primarily the husband is aggressive and protective. The wife is responsive and receptive. Neither has the authority to demand and get, but to respond and counter-respond. Love happiness must precede sexual happiness.

In 1 Corinthians 7:5, “Stop depriving one another” means to agree by mutual consent on the regularity of sexual relationship and to keep on having sexual intercourse. “Except by agreement for a time” means the husband and wife mutually agreeing to abstain for a short time for spiritual refreshment, for prayer, for traveling, etc. If not approached correctly, “lack of self-control” can make the sexual relationship an animal act or cause either one to think about going outside the marriage relationship to get it.

“Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5, NASB)

Sex was invented by God to be an expression of love in marriage long before any children were born. Sex within marriage is not for having children only. In Genesis 2:24, “For this reason” refers to the woman being created from the man’s rib. The phrase “a man shall leave his father and his mother” was given before parents even existed and anticipates that marriage would continue after the Fall in the Garden of Eden. At that time, there were no children on earth, therefore no fathers and mothers.

“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NASB)

This does not mean to be isolated from the parents, but that the husband and wife relationship in marriage takes priority over other human relationships. It also means that marriage requires privacy for the husband-wife bond to form so the marriage can become what God intended for the divine institution of marriage.

In Genesis 2:24, “be joined” is דּבק (dâbaq) means to cling or adhere, to be held fast together, to grow together into one body, to be joined together, to be intimately united. It refers to the sexual relationship in marriage where neither the husband nor wife are complete without the other. God invented sex for the merging of two bodies by designing them to become one.

The true expression of love comes from the soul, not from the body. Sex between a husband and wife is an expression of the mutual love for each other in marriage. Their relationship requires privacy between the two. The “one flesh” principle in Genesis 2:24 describes the intimate privacy of sex in marriage. The husband completes the wife and the wife completes the husband.

Sex was created by a perfect God for the perfect man and woman in the Garden. Sex was not the cause of the Fall of man. In sinless perfection and in perfect environment, sex was only for recreation and intimacy. After the Fall, sex kept its intimacy between the husband and wife but procreation was added. Also, the sin nature of man distorts this privacy of sex in marriage to involve others outside of marriage in adultery, fornication, and other more deviant forms of sexual activity.

God created the divine institution of marriage to be the husband-wife relationship that would become parents to their children to train them to meet life’s challenges. God created marriage to be a special relationship between one man and one woman where there would be privacy from many functions and activities in life. This special private relationship makes their relationship special and unique. Sex was also created by God to be exclusively within this special relationship.

Just as the believer must continue to learn Bible doctrine to advance in the spiritual life, so the husband’s and wife’s sexual responses in marriage are a continual learning process. Sexual compatibility in marriage is related to mutual response of both husband and wife in the mutual fulfillment of the sexual relationship.

In sex, the husband and wife have responsibilities to each other. Sex portrays the beauty of interdependence in marriage, just as the believer is totally dependent upon God’s grace. Sex is an expression of love in marriage. The foundation of this love is unconditional mental attitude agapao love that stabilizes the personal phileo love. Both forms require epignosis Bible doctrine in the soul of each spouse and filling of the Holy Spirit.

The husband and wife who reach marriage based solely on their unconditional love and personal love for each other based in the Bible doctrine in their souls will have a more enduring happiness in the marriage. They have given priority to the mandates of the Word of God over their desires to have premarital sex. This rapport love or soul love overflows into their sex life in marriage. Here, they will have great satisfaction in learning to respond fully and completely to each other.

God's Warning Against Adultery

Sex outside of marriage is prohibited in the Word of God. One of the major reasons for this prohibition is because the woman is the responder. Fornication or adultery will destroy the woman’s function as a responder because they emphasize the physical lust rather than emphasizing soul compatibility. Exodus 20:14; Deut. 5:18; Matt. 5:27-28; Matt. 19:18.

“"You shall not commit adultery.” (Exodus 20:14, NASB)

“'You shall not commit adultery.” (Deuteronomy 5:18, NASB)

“"You have heard that it was said, 'YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28, NASB)

“Then he said to Him, "Which ones?" And Jesus said, "YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT MURDER; YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY; YOU SHALL NOT STEAL; YOU SHALL NOT BEAR FALSE WITNESS;” (Matthew 19:18, NASB)

In marriage, sexual activity is a legitimate expression of personal love. Either before marriage or with others outside of marriage, sex is moral degeneracy. Fornication and adultery destroy the privacy and intimacy of marriage. The function of a married believer is to hold the marriage in honor and avoid adultery. Heb. 13:4.

“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” (Hebrews 13:4, NASB)

In Hebrews 13:4, “honor” is τίμιος (timios) and means of great price, costly, valuable. Marriage is to be held in high esteem. If you value marriage highly in your mental attitude, you will withhold in this area of sex until marriage and enter marriage without a lot of scar tissue in your soul. “The marriage bed” is κοίτη (koitē) in the Greek and refers to sexual intercourse. Sex is not impure in marriage. “Is to be undefiled” is ἀμίαντος (amiantos) and means clean, pure, and marvelous. Marriage protects the sexual act and gives it pure meaning.

In Hebrews 13:4, “for fornicators” is πόρνος (pornos) and mean pornography, a fornicator, one who becomes involved in sex before marriage. This phrase sets up a contrast between those who wait for the right one and those who do not. In the religion of the ancient world, people had relations with the priestesses or with a mistress, etc. “Adulterers” is μοιχός (moichos) and means promiscuous or sex outside marriage. There is a judgment of the soul. Prov. 6:32.

“The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; He who would destroy himself does it.” (Proverbs 6:32, NASB)

When either the husband or wife are not satisfied in their sexual relationship, there is inevitable frustration. When sex becomes a source of frustration, unhappiness, and incompatibility, many marital problems develop.

This is a warning to be careful. God will judge. This is a divine law. Such action results in scar tissue of the soul. So, people who enter into sex in an illicit and illegal manner destroy sex in a legitimate manner. There is a judgment of the body that has to do with malfunction of the body when you get into a legitimate situation. It is better to wait and have a glorious time than not to wait and ruin your life. God isn’t trying to be unfair. 1 Cor. 6:13-20.

“Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. Now God has not only raised the Lord, but will also raise us up through His power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, “THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.” But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:13-20, NASB)

God provides the right kind of man for every woman and He provide the right kind of woman for every man. Gen. 2:18-25.

“Then the LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:18-25, NASB)

It is not good for man to live alone. The rib was missing in Adam. He was not complete without the woman. The Lord brought the woman to the man. The big search was not conducted by the woman. The souls touch first. In marriage there must be compatibility of the souls then there is the touching of the bodies. The touching of souls and bodies is the basic principle in marriage. He designed sex first of all for fun and for pleasure, but there is a framework for this pleasure and fun. After the Fall, it was also designed for procreation.

God has provided the right kind of man for the right kind of woman. God has provided a divine institution for the preservation and expression of their love in the marriage relationship. Most people think of sex only when marriage is mentioned. Promiscuity before and after marriage puts scar tissue on the soul and destroys true response in marriage. Prov. 6:32.

“The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; He who would destroy himself does it.” (Proverbs 6:32, NASB)

Sex is an act of personal volition and should be mentally desirous. Sex is an act of mutual response and needs mental preparation. Man initiates, the woman responds. Sex is an act which is only meaningful when there is true love. Mental attitude love must precede sexual love or it becomes mechanical and animalistic.

The sexual relationship in marriage is for recreation and is an expression of love between partners. Sex relationship is also for procreation - perpetuation of the human race. Love happiness must precede sex happiness.

The book of Hosea teaches how adultery destroys a woman. The most important thing to a woman is her soul and it is often the thing to which she gives the least amount of attention. Because of this, women are self-destructive after they become reactive with mental attitude and verbal sins. The only thing that can deliver her is a husband with love inside the spiritual life.

Proverbs 5 presents a very clear warning against adultery. Proverbs 7 describes the adulteress and the tactics she used to ensnare a naïve man who is not thinking. Both chapters speak of the long-term disastrous consequences of adultery that extend far beyond those directly involved. See category on Adultery.

“For the lips of an adulteress drip honey And smoother than oil is her speech; But in the end she is bitter as wormwood, Sharp as a two-edged sword.” (Proverbs 5:3-4, NASB)

“His own iniquities will capture the wicked, And he will be held with the cords of his sin. He will die for lack of instruction, And in the greatness of his folly he will go astray.” (Proverbs 5:22-23, NASB)

“Suddenly he follows her As an ox goes to the slaughter, Or as one in fetters to the discipline of a fool,” (Proverbs 7:22, NASB)

“Her house is the way to Sheol, Descending to the chambers of death.” (Proverbs 7:27, NASB)

Marriage is the Boundary for Sex

Marriage is the absolute criterion or boundary for sex as declared in the Word of God. Without boundaries, many people would be hurt and a nation can destroy itself. Marrying simply for sexual experience is a dangerous ground upon which to base a lasting and happy marriage.

The husband is commanded to love his wife. Love happiness is moment by moment rapport and must precede sexual happiness. This love is a mental attitude - what you think. Sex is only one of the many expressions of that mental attitude. The woman must respond to the man mentally before she will ever respond to him sexually, or in any other way. Otherwise, you have nothing more than animal activity. If a woman is not responding to her husband mentally she will say, “I have a headache, or I’m tired, or give some other excuse.” Eph. 5:25.

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:25, NASB)

Any husband who fulfills Ephesians 5:25 will receive the proper response from his wife. The husband’s love should be predominantly aggressive and protective. The wife’s love should be responsive and receptive. From the standpoint of human anatomy, the Bible is verified – the man gives, the woman receives.

The principle is that the man initiates love, both mental and sexual and the woman responds to it. The body of one partner rightfully belongs to the other. In sex, the husband and wife have equal authority, but each loses authority over their own body. There is no such thing as superiority in the sexual relationship. Sex is equality in marriage. Therefore, any selfish motivation of action is ruled out. 1 Cor. 7:4.

“The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (1 Corinthians 7:4, NASB)

The beauty of the sexual relationship in marriage is that there is response and counter response. The man becomes complete because the woman completes him. God separated something (a rib) from the man and now this is returned to him in the form of a mate. The woman compliments the man, thus emphasizing her complete femininity.

Man does not get love by demanding love. He can only get love by giving love first. This is the mental attitude of love. No man has the right to demand a relationship with his wife. The husband must give from the ultimate source of his mental attitude. He can only get by giving of himself.

The woman is a responder. The husband cannot subject his wife to abuse and mistreatment and expect her to respond to his advances when he is ready to make love. Since God has so ordained the man and woman for each other, the sexual relationship should not be denied to each other except under certain conditions of true worship and spiritual activity. 1 Cor. 7:5.

Sex minus love equals a lifetime of misery. Sex plus love equals happiness. Real love is a mental attitude, therefore it is positive and not possessive. Since marriage is founded on the mental attitude of love, the older you become, the more wonderful the marriage should be.

However, those who look at life and therefore marriage from the human viewpoint will consider the body only as an instrument in the expression of sex. Because of this improper emphasis on the body as a sex symbol, the marriage of such a person can only get worse as the body deteriorates with age and loses some of its symmetry and human attractiveness.

Sex is not an island to itself. True love eliminates ego in a relationship. Marriage partners should not compete with one another. When mental attitude love prevails and precedes the sex relationship, then sex becomes a beautiful expression and tapestry of blending of two factors of life into one.

Sexual compatibility without mental compatibility can destroy a marriage. Mental attitude compatibility and sexuality compatibility with spirituality can make an exceedingly happy marriage. Marriage cannot survive on the basis of sex. It takes something greater than that because sex decreases and mental attitude and spirituality compatibility increases.

Recovery From Extramarital Sex

The recovery process from extramarital sex for the unbeliever, is salvation by faith alone in Jesus Christ alone. This removes all scar tissue in the soul. Then after salvation, the new believer should find a local church that teaches Bible doctrine and get the Word daily and grow spiritually.

The recovery process from extramarital sex for the believer starts with the Word of God, a local church that is true to the Word of God, and a pastor-teacher that categorically opens up the Word. Confess or cite in prayer your known sins to God the Father using 1 John 1:9.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9, NASB)

Sin does not cause you to lose your salvation. Sin temporarily removes your fellowship with the Lord. In naming the sins, your fellowship is always restored because God is always faithful. Tell the Lord you want your deficiency of soul filled up with His wisdom. James 1:5.

“But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5, NASB)

Go on a crash program of Bible doctrine basics. Let go of your social life. It’s what got you into trouble anyway. Turn to the Word of God. The more of the Word you get into your soul, the more you can handle your social life. See category on Basic Bible Doctrines.

The application of the epignosis Bible doctrine from the right lobe of the soul with its frame of reference removes scar tissue. Although getting into fellowship via 1 John 1:9 does not remove scar tissue, it keeps more scar tissue from forming.