Austin Bible Church
The unconditional mental attitude of agapao love is the foundation for marriage and should be the basic concept for a successful marriage. Sex is one of the many expressions of this love. Mental attitude love in marriage finds many areas of expression such as conversation, companionship, kindness, and sex. This is compatible with the concept of spirituality. The filling of the Holy Spirit produces a mental attitude of love, which finds many areas of expression in the Christian way of life.
Mental attitude love is stabilized by Bible doctrine. With spiritual growth, unconditional love, and being filled with the Spirit most of the time, how can you harbor resentment, jealousy, bitterness or any other mental attitude sin? The mature believer does not perpetuate mental attitude sins and has a stable basis for any relationship. There are many areas of expression and sex is only one of these. True love in marriage means it doesn't matter that you grow old. Physical beauty is not the basis of happiness. This is preoccupation with self or arrogance that causes physical arrogance and sexual arrogance. The fruit of the Spirit is a combination of unconditional mental attitude agapao love plus personal phileo love resulting in tranquility of soul and contentment. Sex is not the basis for happiness or the basis of a successful marriage. Conversation should be the highlight of every day. Love should be expressed in conversation and in companionship in the relationship. Sex is way down on the list.
Love in Marriage
Personal love for God the Father and unconditional mental attitude love for all mankind are directly related to love in marriage. Motivated by personal love for God the Father inside the spiritual life, husbands are to love their wives just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself as a substitute for her. 1 John 4:19; Eph. 5:25.
“We love, because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19, NASB)
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:25, NASB)
Leadership always demands concern for those under their command. Some leaders are users of other people and this is arrogance. True leadership always looks out for those under their authority and has their best interests in view.
The believer’s personal love for God the Father is the motivation for appreciating all that God has provided in this life. This motivates the believer to apply the Bible doctrine in their soul to those around them in unconditional love. This can only be done with the filling of the Holy Spirit.
God the Father first loved all mankind unconditionally. When we accepted Jesus Christ as our Savior, God the Father imputed to each believer His very own perfect righteousness. As believers, God can now love us personally because we possess God's perfect righteousness. As we mature spiritually, we begin to think more and more as the humanity of Jesus Christ did while on earth. In so doing, we develop a stronger appreciation for what God has done for us and we begin to gain the capacity to love God the Father personally. We reciprocate His love for us.
Each member of the Trinity has a ministry to the Church Age believer. Love for God the Father is our motivation. God the Holy Spirit teaches us the Word of God and is our mentor and encourager in the spiritual life. In growing spiritually, we appreciate the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and we begin to think as He did. 2 Cor. 13:14; Rom. 5:5.
“The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all.” (2 Corinthians 13:14, NASB)
“and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” (Romans 5:5, NASB)
Unconditional Mental Attitude Love In Marriage
Unconditional agapao love is in the soul and is essentially the absence of mental attitude sins. It is simply having a relaxed mental attitude toward all believers, including obnoxious believers in your congregation and obnoxious people in general. Is there any person that you resent, hate, dislike, or are bitter or jealous about? If so, you do not have a relaxed mental attitude and you do not have unconditional agapao love in your soul. If you have trouble in your marriage, it starts right here because mental attitude sins make you miserable.
The relaxed mental attitude in a woman is agapao love or the desire to make someone happy. There should be no desire to carry grudges or to have axes to grind. For the believer, without unconditional mental attitude love for all mankind, stable personal love for your spouse would be impossible. For the unbeliever, their personal love is based on their adherence the laws of divine establishment.
In Titus 2:2, “sensible” is σώφρων (sōphrōn) and means soberness, a healthy mental attitude. The individual does not try to do the will of God, the will of God is done. Proverbs 31:10-31 illustrates the characteristics of the spiritually mature wife.
“Older men are to be temperate, dignified, sensible, sound in faith, in love, in perseverance.” (Titus 2:2, NASB)
“An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:10-12, NASB)
A relaxed mental attitude is illustrated in 1 Peter 3:4 where “gentle” is πραΰ́ς (praus) and means gentle, mild, relaxed, a soothing disposition. “Quiet” is ἡσύχιος (hēsuchios) and means quiet, tranquility, peaceable, happiness.
“but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” (1 Peter 3:4, NASB)
Mental attitude sins attack all phases of true love. Jealousy and bitterness are the greatest enemies of love between husband and wife in marriage. 1 John 5:18; Song of Solomon 8:6.
“We know that no one who is born of God sins; but He who was born of God keeps him, and the evil one does not touch him.” (1 John 5:18, NASB)
“"Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, Jealousy is as severe as Sheol; Its flashes are flashes of fire, The very flame of the LORD.” (Song of Solomon 8:6, NASB)
How relaxed are you in your marriage? In John 21:15, “these” refers to the details of life: friends, loved ones, pleasure, social life, health, status symbols, sex, and materialistic things.
“So when they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love Me more than these?" He said to Him, "Yes, Lord; You know that I love You." He *said to him, "Tend My lambs."” (John 21:15, NASB)
Without unconditional mental attitude love for others, there is no capacity for personal love. From mental attitude agapao love comes true personal love of one believer for another believer in marriage. Unconditional love is the key to all human relationships.
Without unconditional mental attitude love in marriage, personal love has neither problem solving capabilities or staying power. Out of unconditional mental attitude love for all mankind comes the husband’s personal love for his wife and the wife’s love for her husband. Unconditional love must precede personal love. The husband and wife must develop unconditional mental attitude love in the spiritual life before they get married. This is so the husband and wife can live with each on the basis of epignosis Bible doctrine knowledge in the right lobe of their souls. Without the husband and wife having unconditional love for others, it is impossible for them to have a successful marriage. This unconditional mental attitude love is what each spouse uses to deal with problems both before marriage and especially when married. In 1 Peter 3:7, “grace of life” refers to grace orientation and “prayers will not be hindered” refers to a relaxed prayer life.
“You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” (1 Peter 3:7, NASB)
In 1 Peter 3:8, “harmonious” is ὁμόφρων (homophrōn) and means being of one mind, concordant, like-minded. “Sympathetic” is συμπαθής (sumpathēs) and means suffering or feeling the like with another, sympathetic, the better or worse of marriage. This is the ability given by God to stick it out in a bad marriage and see it stabilized and become wonderful in every way through a renewed focus on intake of the Word of God.
“To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit;” (1 Peter 3:8, NASB)
“Brotherly” is φιλάδελφος (philadelphos) and refers to a rapport love, a love based on attractiveness and mutual esteem and respect. This is not a love based on a vivacious personality. This is not a love based on compatibility of old sin natures. This is a love being enjoyed in daily life. “Kindhearted” is εὔσπλαγχνος (eusplagchnos) and means with good emotional stability, courage to stick it out in rough times. “Humble in spirit” is ταπεινόφρων (tapeinophrōn) and means mannerly, poised, humble minded, oriented to the grace of God through Bible doctrine.
In 1 Peter 3:9, “not returning evil for evil” means that in marriage, two wrongs do not make a right. “Giving a blessing instead” is εὐλογέω (eulogeō) and means to consecrate a thing with solemn prayers, to ask God’s blessing on a thing, to pray God to bless it to one’s use. First, you put it into the Lord’s hands. 1 Peter 5:7.
“not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:9, NASB)
“casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7, NASB)
Remember Romans 12:19, “vengeance is mine, I will repay.” You are to let it stay in the Lord’s hands. You forget it and move on with a mental attitude of grace.
“Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, "VENGEANCE IS MINE, I WILL REPAY," says the Lord.” (Romans 12:19, NASB)
Love Toward Your Spouse
The believer’s personal love toward God the Father is a fundamental response due to spiritual growth. The believer develops a personal love for God based on the Bible doctrine in their soul. This motivating love is only possible while filled with the Holy Spirit and is a response to God's demonstrated perfect and immutable unconditional love for all mankind. Deut. 6:2; Rom. 8:35; 1 John 4:19.
“so that you and your son and your grandson might fear the LORD your God, to keep all His statutes and His commandments which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be prolonged.” (Deuteronomy 6:2, NASB)
“Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?” (Romans 8:35, NASB)
“We love, because He first loved us.” (1 John 4:19, NASB)
Motivated by their personal love for God the Father, the believer develops an unconditional mental attitude agapao love for all mankind. This unconditional love is a stable type of love and is based not on the attractiveness of others, but on the Bible doctrine in your soul that enables you to still love them in spite of their mistakes, short-comings, and even their opposition to you. This can only be done in the spiritual life using the enabling power of the Holy Spirit.
When a man and a woman (believers) are attracted to each other, it is first because of outward attractiveness, sex appeal, how they talk, their mannerisms, how they behave, etc. This is a personal phileo love and is not yet stabilized unless they are spiritually growing believers. Based on their unconditional mental attitude agapao love from the Bible doctrine in their souls plus continued attraction, they continue the romance relationship by learning and discerning more of what is their true character and what is really in their soul. If the they find divine wisdom and spiritual discernment in their soul, then they have to consider whether they have found the right one - “Is she the one I should marry?” “Is he the one I should marry?”
If such a man and woman marry, their sexual love (eros) will be based on their mutual unconditional agapao love for each other and their personal phileo love for each other. Both forms of love are based on Bible doctrine in their souls and function only in the spiritual life. In marriage, the sexual relationship becomes a manifestation of their soul love or rapport love.
Love between husband and wife is exclusive. All others outside of marriage are excluded. Therefore, happiness from sexual love is found in only one person, the one you married. Love between husband and wife produces a perfect happiness, which is self-sustaining and partner-sustaining. There is a sexual happiness in marriage of two mature believers that cannot be found anywhere else. It does not depend upon anyone or anything else. This is the whole doctrinal basis for the honeymoon. The strength or fortification of this love in mentioned in Song of Solomon 8:6-7. It is said to be as strong as death and cannot be extinguished by the pressures of life. Prov. 5:18-19.
“"Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, Jealousy is as severe as Sheol; Its flashes are flashes of fire, The very flame of the LORD. "Many waters cannot quench love, Nor will rivers overflow it; If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, It would be utterly despised."” (Song of Solomon 8:6-7, NASB)
“Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth. As a loving hind and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; Be exhilarated always with her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19, NASB)
There is another type of love that is toward friends. This is friendship love (phileo) and can be quite strong as in the case of Jonathan for David. John 15:13; 2 Sam. 1:26.
“"Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13, NASB)
“"I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; You have been very pleasant to me. Your love to me was more wonderful Than the love of women.” (2 Samuel 1:26, NASB)
Therefore, love between husband and wife (unconditional mental attitude agapao love plus personal phileo love plus sexual eros love plus friendship phileo love) is protective in the absence of the loved one via fragrance of memories and protective in the presence of the loved one. Song of Solomon 1:13; Song of Solomon 2:4; Song of Solomon 4:6.
“"My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh Which lies all night between my breasts.” (Song of Solomon 1:13, NASB)
“"He has brought me to his banquet hall, And his banner over me is love.” (Song of Solomon 2:4, NASB)
“"Until the cool of the day When the shadows flee away, I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh And to the hill of frankincense.” (Song of Solomon 4:6, NASB)
An Old Testament representative analogy of the love between husband and wife in marriage uses the believer’s relationship with the Lord. In this analogy, the husband represents the Lord and the wife represents Israel. Jer. 2 & 3, Jer. 2:2, Jer. 33, Ezek. 16.
“"Go and proclaim in the ears of Jerusalem, saying, 'Thus says the LORD, "I remember concerning you the devotion of your youth, The love of your betrothals, Your following after Me in the wilderness, Through a land not sown.” (Jeremiah 2:2, NASB)
A New Testament representative analogy of the love between husband and wife in marriage uses the right woman as the Church. The Divine Institution #2 - Marriage, was designed by God to allow the greatest possible love relationship between the husband and wife. Eph. 5:23-25; Eph. 5:28; Eph. 5:33; Col. 3:19.
“For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:23-25, NASB)
“So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself;” (Ephesians 5:28, NASB)
“Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33, NASB)
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.” (Colossians 3:19, NASB)
The unconditional agapao love with the personal phileo love between husband and wife is the provision of God’s grace. No one ever earned or deserved their husband or their wife in marriage. God did a very great thing when He invented marriage. God married the first couple in the Garden. God created the woman to complete the man. In so doing, the man fulfills the woman. Prov. 18:22.
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22, NASB)
No believer will have a successful marriage without making God the highest priority in life. God cannot have first place in your life unless Bible doctrine has number one priority. You have to learn how to have a successful marriage and the only textbook is the Bible. You cannot apply what you do not know. With Bible doctrine in your soul and the filling of the Holy Spirit you will be equipped to handle problems from your learned divine viewpoint.
Soul Love Must Precede Sexual Love
Love happiness must precede sexual happiness. People who get married because of sex can never by happy. Love the Lord Jesus Christ, be occupied with Him and have doctrinal orientation and unconditional love toward all others, especially your spouse. Attain spiritual maturity. That is the way for marriage to be successful. Redeeming the time means to be filled with the Spirit a maximum amount of time. Eph. 5:1-13; Eph. 5:14-18; Eph. 5:19 - Eph. 6:8.
The husband’s mental and physical love should be predominately aggressive and protective. The husband initiates. Wife’s love should be responsive and receptive. The real adjustment in marriage is in the area of mental attitude. We are what we think. Prov. 23:7.
“For as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says to you, "Eat and drink!" But his heart is not with you.” (Proverbs 23:7, NASB)
Since marriage is founded on the mental attitude of love, the older you become, the more wonderful marriage should be. The man must be head of the home. The Word of God must be the criterion for operation of the home and family.
In Song of Solomon 8:6, “heart” refers to the right lobe of the soul containing the norms and standards. This verse means that soul love precedes sexual love. The man must be in her soul, before she surrenders her body to him.
““Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, Jealousy is as severe as Sheol; Its flashes are flashes of fire, The very flame of the LORD.” (Song of Solomon 8:6, NASB)
“Love” is the love of the husband toward his wife, soul and sexual love. “Strong” indicates the man’s love is a fortification of the woman’s soul and body. Love in marriage is a two way street, one fortifies the other. Each protects the other, each satisfies the other, each fulfills the other. The wife’s love of her husband and the husband’s love for his wife continue after death in a fragrance of memories.
Once in her soul, her husband never leaves! There is no way to get him out, although every wife has at times wanted to get rid of her husband. Once the wife has her husband in the soul, she will never be satisfied with another. She may be unfaithful, but she will never be satisfied in that relationship. But when she tries, her frustration is described in Ezekiel 16 and 23.
In the heart or right lobe of the soul, the man fulfills the woman soulishly and he does it in at least four ways. He fulfills her norms and standards. He gives reality to her romantic dreams and imaginations. If a young lady grows up and still has these romantic dreams and imaginations, then there is something wrong with her. He provides fragrance of memory. Song of Solomon 1:13; Song of Solomon 4:6.
““My beloved is to me a pouch of myrrh Which lies all night between my breasts.” (Song of Solomon 1:13, NASB)
““Until the cool of the day When the shadows flee away, I will go my way to the mountain of myrrh And to the hill of frankincense.” (Song of Solomon 4:6, NASB)
He provides soul stimulation. All good sex comes from the soul. Soul stimulation, therefore, causes sex stimulation. In fulfilling his wife in sex, the husband becomes her strength. The seal or the signet ring fulfills this principle.
The Relationship Between Husband and Wife
In 1 Corinthians 11:8, “does not originate” is the present active indicative of εἰμί (eimi) and means to be, to exist, to happen, to be present. “From woman” is εκ plus the genitive singular of γυνή (gunē). For man is not out from the source of woman. This is a reference to the creation of the woman in the Garden of Eden. “But” is the conjunction of contrast ἀλλά (alla). The woman is out from the source of man. 1 Cor. 11:3.
“For man does not originate from woman, but woman from man;” (1 Corinthians 11:8, NASB)
“But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ.” (1 Corinthians 11:3, NASB)
In 1 Corinthians 11:3, “the man is the head of a woman” is κεφαλή (kephalē) and refers to his leadership authority. Why is the man the head? Because he was created first and the woman was taken out of the man to complete him. In lower creation, the beautiful one is almost always the male. However, in the human race it is the female who is beautiful. A literal translation of 1 Corinthians 11:8 is; “For man is not out from the source of woman, but woman out from the source of man.”
In 1 Corinthians 11:9, “created” is the aorist passive indicative of κτίζω (ktizō) and means to create, to form, to shape. A literal translation of 1 Corinthians 11:9 is; “For man was also not created because of the woman, but woman because of the man.” Creation again.
“for indeed man was not created for the woman's sake, but woman for the man's sake.” (1 Corinthians 11:9, NASB)
Nature puts a badge on the male and female. A general may be a general, but he is incomplete without an army to lead. The husband has been given the leadership authority in marriage, but he is incomplete without his wife. The woman was made to complete the right kind of man she has agreed to marry. The wife completes the husband in her response to his demonstrated love and the husband completes the wife by exhibiting his love for her.
In 1 Corinthians 11:10, “Therefore” is διά (dia) plus the accusative of οὗτος (houtos) and means for this cause. “Ought to” is the present active indicative of ὀφείλω (opheilō) and is a strong verb for obligation. “Have a symbol of authority” is the present active infinitive of ἐξουσία (exousia) and means to have authority, to be obligated to have and to hold the line.
“Therefore the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels.” (1 Corinthians 11:10, NASB)
“On her head” is ἐπί κεφαλή (epi kephalē) and means upon the head, on top. She ought to wear a badge of authority on her head. This is speaking of the woman’s long hair. Because of this, the woman ought to have the man’s authority upon the head - her long hair. “Because of the angels” refers to the Angelic Conflict.
A married woman with long hair is demonstrating that she belongs to one man - her husband. She has found the right kind of man and he has found the right kind of woman for him. Using their spiritual discernment in the attraction phase, they have entered the compatibility phase and have agreed to be married. Only her husband will fulfill her, not another man. Only his wife will complete him, not another woman.
There are a lot of men running around. The wife should not wear long hair to make herself attractive to any man running around. It is her pledge of faithfulness to her husband. Her long hair is to remind everyone else that she is designed for the man that she has either agreed to marry or has already married. Her husband is the only one for her! No one else will do!
Long hair on the wife’s head is a sign of her husband’s authority over her. The woman can fight this as long as she wishes and she may fight it because of mental attitude sins, but she will never be happy as long as she does. She may rebel in carnality, emotional revolt or reversionism, but she will not be happy. A wife being fulfilled by her husband or the husband being completed by his wife is a gift of grace from God, a source of greatest human happiness in marriage.
Therefore, until God brings her to the right kind of man for her to marry, she wears her hair long. For this reason, all young girls look good in long hair. This is her declaration as a believer that she is waiting for God to provide the right kind of man. Her long hair is a sign of her waiting. The woman has free will plus accouterments of soul plus a body designed by God whereby she can identify and discern from the epignosis Bible doctrine in her soul the right kind of man for her. This identification is made in her soul.
Extreme shortness of hair on a woman is the sign of some soul kink, some hang-up, a sign of mental attitude sins, a sign of reversionism, or perversion. This is why in the ancient world, a woman condemned for a serious breach of a societal norm had her hair publicly shaved. As late as World War II, shaving the head was practiced by the French when they reclaimed their country from the Germans. The French women who were known to be living with the Germans had their heads shaved following a short kangaroo court.
In 1 Corinthians 11:10, “because of the angels” indicates the woman wearing long hair is her testimony to fallen angels of her relationship with her right man. It is also a reminder to fallen angels that co-habitation with human women is forbidden by God as some had done prior to the Great Flood. Gen. 6.
The Intertwining of the Male-Female Relationship
In 1 Corinthians 11:11, “However” means exception, qualification. The husband’s leadership authority over his wife was never designed to be a tyranny. It was designed to be a mutual fulfillment. The rib was violently seized from the man’s rib cage and the woman passionately comes back to him. When husband and wife become one, they are totally dependent upon each other. Each is incomplete without the other. Within the bounds of marriage, the sexual relationship is limited only by what both agree to engage in with each other.
“However, in the Lord, neither is woman independent of man, nor is man independent of woman.” (1 Corinthians 11:11, NASB)
“In the Lord” is ἐν (en) plus the instrumental of κύριος (kurios) and must be translated “by means of the Lord.” A literal translation of 1 Corinthians 11:11 is; “Besides, neither woman apart from man, nor man apart from woman (no definite articles, no verbs) by means of the Lord or by the design of the Lord.” In marriage, husband and wife stand together. They are one flesh. They rise or fall together. If either spouse tears down the other, they are also tearing down themselves. Gen. 2:24.
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, NASB)
In 1 Corinthians 11:12, God protects the woman from tyranny by adding another divine institution to the laws of divine establishment - Family.
“For as the woman originates from the man, so also the man has his birth through the woman; and all things originate from God.” (1 Corinthians 11:12, NASB)
God takes the man and gives him a mother while a boy. He learns from his mother, his original teacher. The mother does the teaching and the father does the training and the discipline. The boy learns respect for motherhood and womanhood from his mother. The boy learns from his father’s example and from his mother’s teaching. This is where he becomes a gentlemen. A man who is not a respecter of womanhood is an animal.
The mother teaches the child and the father trains and is the disciplinarian. The boy’s mother loves him and teaches him authority. The boy learns to love and respect his mother which gives him the training to fulfill his wife as a husband without abusing his God-given authority under Divine Institution #2, Marriage.
In 1 Corinthians 11:12, “For as the woman originates from the man” refers to the woman being out from the source of the man refers to original creation of Adam and the woman. She was not called Eve until after the Fall. After the Fall, man cannot exist without the woman. Man owes his existence, his origin, and fulfillment to womanhood. The love between husband and wife is far more than friendship and far more than compatibility.
There are two important women in the life of every man: his mother and his wife. The man leaves his father and mother. A big problem in marriage is not the wife going home to her mother, but the man behaving as a boy and never cutting the umbilical cord. There comes a time when a boy has to grow up. He must go!
A literal translation of 1 Corinthians 11:12 is; “For just as the woman out from the source of the man so also the man through the woman but the all things from the source of God.” God has graced the man with two woman: his mother in childhood and his wife in adulthood. This is grace all the way.