Austin Bible Church
The pattern and precedent of one man for one woman was established at the creation of man, that is Adam and one Eve - not two Eves or five. A “godly offspring” comes only from the husband-wife relationship in marriage. Gen. 2:21-25; Mal. 2:15.
“So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” (Genesis 2:21-25, NASB)
““But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth.” (Malachi 2:15, NASB)
In the one man, one woman concept, God brought the woman to the man. When a Christian woman or man conducts the “big search” instead of trusting the Lord in guidance in marrying the right one, difficulty can result. A Christian is to get his or her life partner on the basis of grace, not human hustle and panic. Gen. 2:22.
“The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.” (Genesis 2:22, NASB)
Relationship Stages
There are three stages of the relationship between a man and a woman. They are attraction, compatibility, and rapport.
The Attraction Stage
Attraction is an interest or attention drawn to another person because of their perceived attractive qualities. Attraction between a man and woman occurs prior to marriage and within the marriage.
Initially, the attraction is generally physical. The man appreciates the woman’s outward beauty, her poise, her proportions, how she dresses, her manners, her charm and wit, her sense of humor, her scent, her sex appeal, etc.
The woman appreciates the man’s strong and good-looking appearance, his chiseled features, his smart dress, his courteous gentlemanly manner, his charm, his overt personality, his sense of humor, how he speaks to her, the sense of protection she feels being around him, how he handles himself around other men in her presence, his “scent,” his sex appeal, etc.
The attraction stage is dangerous because you are thinking that what you have perceived early on is the real person. This is rarely the case. You must investigate further to confirm the early perceptions are indeed the real person or have become something different. You must evaluate the person over time to properly discern their hidden flaws or qualities. You must also analyze their attractive qualities to confirm they are indeed long-term or “real” qualities.
Attraction is the blind stage where you often ignore or are “blind” to the potential flaws in the one you are attracted to. You don’t see the real person. For many, the sexual or sensual aspects of the man’s or woman’s attractive qualities lead to early marriage on a wave of libido. This does not usually end well.
During the attraction stage, you have not yet discerned any incompatibility that is a “show stopper.” For those incompatibilities that you discovered, you have not confirmed that they can be resolved. Also, during this stage, the problems the other person is dealing with or the “baggage” they are carrying is not fully understood. Any of these can potentially cause the end of the relationship. Remember, almost all relationships end during the attraction stage. It is the exception to this rule that you are after. You should be looking for the one you are willing to spend the rest of your life with.
The attraction stage is a very subjective stage where many conclude that the object of their love is the only one in the world for them. People who get married in the attraction stage have very little chance of success, but spiritual growth and God's grace enable the believer to overcome this subjective decision.
The attraction stage is a test of the believer’s stability and discernment. If the believer becomes too emotional without thinking, any stability in the early relationship is lost. The strength of love in the attraction stage is epignosis Bible doctrine in the soul and consistent time filled with the Holy Spirit.
The Compatibility Stage
Compatibility is the ability to maintain a harmonious relationship without problems or conflict because of well-matched characteristics. Compatibility between a man and woman who are believers should be motivated first by their personal love for God the Father and their unconditional mental attitude agapao love for others motivated by the filling of the Holy Spirit and application of epignosis Bible doctrine in their souls.
The compatibility stage of the relationship is when both the man and the woman are dealing with problems within their own spiritual life and are making important mutual decisions. Both are taking responsibility for their own decisions and actions. The middle of this stage is often the best time to think about marriage.
There are five characteristics of the compatibility stage; spiritual, mental, physical, economic, and recreational. Spiritual compatibility means that if you don’t agree on a particular essential doctrine, you don’t agree on same pastor, or you don’t want to attend the same local church, you will have trouble. This is the most important and also the most difficult of the compatibilities on which to reach agreement.
Your will realize you have mental compatibility through conversation. Physical compatibility is the easiest characteristic to confirm. This is to be confirmed after marriage, not before. While exploring physical compatibility (sex) is a learning process, it is also discovery and pleasurable.
You both must confirm and agree on important aspects of finances and how you both intend to handle them in economic compatibility. Recreational compatibility in this stage is also fairly easy to confirm.
In the compatibility stage, you learn the strengths and weaknesses of the one you love and have already resolved most of the known issues or problems of the relationship. In resolving those issues or problems, your love did not diminish. Ideally, the process revealed more about each other and how each handled the resolution of the issues or problems. The love relationship likely grew and became more stable due to the level of spiritual maturity and demonstration of the application of Bible doctrine.
If the relationship has unresolved issues where the attraction of either the man or woman is turning into disillusionment, they must both work to resolve the issue or problem. Without resolution, the issue or problem can end the relationship. It is important to identify these potential issues or problems before marriage because once married, dissolving the marriage without a biblical reason puts you out of the directive will of God. See category on Divorce & Remarriage.
The man and woman must both reach a mutual compatibility before marriage, not after marriage. Do not get married in the attraction stage. Compatibility is the stage of reaching an unconditional mental attitude agapao love for each other to stabilize the personal love felt in the attraction stage. The strength of the personal love is agapao love, which is only produced while filled with the Holy Spirit and applying the epignosis Bible doctrine in your soul.
The Rapport Stage
The Rapport Stage is the harmonious stage, the maturing stage. This where the man and woman understand the feelings, thoughts, and attitudes of each other. This where the man and woman gain more and more divine wisdom from their consistent spiritual growth and problem solving. The two begin to think in the same way.
In this stage, the husband and wife further strengthen their unconditional agapao love for each other and also unconditional love for all mankind. The motivation for this is their personal love for God and all that He has provided in grace. They also develop a deep abiding personal phileo love, friendship love, rapport love, a total soul love for each other. In doing so, they fulfill God's mandates for marriage. Col. 3:18-19; Eph. 5:22; Eph. 5:25. See category on Love.
“Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.” (Colossians 3:18-19, NASB)
“Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” (Ephesians 5:22, NASB)
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” (Ephesians 5:25, NASB)
Determining the Right One to Marry
Physical Attraction
These are guidelines for both believers and unbelievers. There will be a physical attraction for the right one. There also will be a desire for sexual intercourse, but body contact beyond kissing, handholding, and non-passionate embraces is satisfied by soul contact.
In the believer, this is controlled by the Word of God, the filling of the Holy Spirit, and the edification complex in the right lobe of the soul. The physical side is also controlled by a respect for the opposite number. Passages like Ezekiel 23 indicate that premarital sex destroys respect and often turns to hatred.
The physical aspect is also controlled by the fact that on a date, the male is to be the custodian or protector of the female’s soul and body. If he is too dumb to know this, the girl needs to be prepared to protect her body and soul as well. There are further safeguards against premarital sex. Why all the safeguards? Because premarital or extramarital sex destroys those involved and keeps them from the ultimate happiness that they could have in a proper relationship that God intended in marriage. Prov. 6:32.
“The one who commits adultery with a woman is lacking sense; He who would destroy himself does it.” (Proverbs 6:32, NASB)
The Word of God gives the woman stability. Divine wisdom of Bible doctrine in your soul will be your stability. Isaiah 33:6.
“And He will be the stability of your times, A wealth of salvation, wisdom and knowledge; The fear of the LORD is his treasure.” (Isaiah 33:6, NASB)
On a date, the man is to be the custodian of his partner’s soul and body. 1 Peter 2:25.
“For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls.” (1 Peter 2:25, NASB)
For the man, he needs to first grow spiritually before dating. Form the Bible doctrine in his soul, he will then develop spiritual discernment and true capacity to love. Prov. 4:8-9.
“"Prize her, and she will exalt you; She will honor you if you embrace her. "She will place on your head a garland of grace; She will present you with a crown of beauty."” (Proverbs 4:8-9, NASB)
He needs to have accurate information concerning himself and the opposite sex. Prov. 5:20; Prov. 6:24-32; Prov. 7:1-27; 1 Cor. 6:16-18; Prov. 31.
“For why should you, my son, be exhilarated with an adulteress And embrace the bosom of a foreigner?” (Proverbs 5:20, NASB)
“To keep you from the evil woman, From the smooth tongue of the adulteress. Do not desire her beauty in your heart, Nor let her capture you with her eyelids.” (Proverbs 6:24-25, NASB)
“Say to wisdom, "You are my sister," And call understanding your intimate friend; That they may keep you from an adulteress, From the foreigner who flatters with her words.” (Proverbs 7:4-5, NASB)
“Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, "THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH." But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body.” (1 Corinthians 6:16-18, NASB)
He needs to have the right companionship. To do that, he needs to stay away from the fast crowd, drinking parties, or those who promote violence and robbery. Prov. 1:10-19.
“If they say, "Come with us, Let us lie in wait for blood, Let us ambush the innocent without cause; Let us swallow them alive like Sheol, Even whole, as those who go down to the pit; We will find all kinds of precious wealth, We will fill our houses with spoil;” (Proverbs 1:11-13, NASB)
He needs to respect the privacy of the opposite number on a date. He needs to not constantly bug her to make out with him. 1 Peter 4:3-4.
“For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries. In all this, they are surprised that you do not run with them into the same excesses of dissipation, and they malign you;” (1 Peter 4:3-4, NASB)
Characteristics of the fast crowd include “sensuality” which means unbridled mental or sexual lust, excess, licentiousness, lasciviousness, wantonness, outrageousness, shamelessness, insolence. “Lusts” are desires to be stimulated emotionally. “Carousing, drinking parties” means to party with a view to illicit sex. “Abominable idolatries” refers to sexual religious worship.
The proper physical relationship in courtship between the man and woman will take self-discipline, but when marriage comes, the wait will be very well worth it. The goal is to arrive at the day of marriage without emotional scars or scar tissue of the soul, a guilt complex, regrets or mental image of past conquests, or comparison, or lack of respect, or frigidity, or nymphomania.
However, even in marrying the right person, you will have trials in marriage, terrific trials. You will love him then you will hate him. You will want him then you will despise him. You will want him to be happy then you will want to hurt him. You will want to make him suffer, to squirm. You will want to make him gloriously happy, but you will respect him. You may want to walk out, but since you are married to your husband that you promised to respect and to respond to, you seek to work things out. No matter what your husband does or your wife does, it can’t put out the fire of love in your relationship. Even unfaithfulness may not quench it! Song of Solomon 8:6-7.
“"Put me like a seal over your heart, Like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, Jealousy is as severe as Sheol; Its flashes are flashes of fire, The very flame of the LORD. "Many waters cannot quench love, Nor will rivers overflow it; If a man were to give all the riches of his house for love, It would be utterly despised."” (Song of Solomon 8:6-7, NASB)
When the male believer marries the right kind of woman, he has received grace from the Lord. The right woman or right man is always from the Lord. Prov. 18:22; Prov. 19:13-14.
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing And obtains favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22, NASB)
“A foolish son is destruction to his father, And the contentions of a wife are a constant dripping. House and wealth are an inheritance from fathers, But a prudent wife is from the LORD.” (Proverbs 19:13-14, NASB)
Faith Basis
The faith basis is for babe or adolescent believers in spiritual growth. Take it by faith that there is a right kind of man or right kind of woman for you. Pray for the right one even though you do not yet know who they are. You are to become the right kind of person that your opposite number would wish to marry through claiming the promises of God and daily function of the grace apparatus for perception that results in the renewing of your thinking. Don’t conduct the big search. You’ll blow it! Rom. 12:2; Col. 3:10.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.” (Romans 12:2, NASB)
“and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him—” (Colossians 3:10, NASB)
The big search is prohibited for Christian women in Genesis 2:22. This does not rule out dating. Remember that in dating someone that you do not end up marrying, you are having companionship with someone else’s future husband or wife, so protect their soul and body. Do not violate either!
“The LORD God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man.” (Genesis 2:22, NASB)
The big search is prohibited for Christian men who have become divorced in 1 Corinthians 7:27. “Do not seek a wife” means don’t hustle it or get in a panic if the proper skirt doesn’t come along. Cool it and have a love affair in the meantime with Bible doctrine.
“Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be released. Are you released from a wife? Do not seek a wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:27, NASB)
In Proverbs 4:6-8, the Word of God or divine wisdom is personified as a woman. The application is dual - toward Bible doctrine in your soul and toward women.
“"Do not forsake her, and she will guard you; Love her, and she will watch over you. "The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom; And with all your acquiring, get understanding. "Prize her, and she will exalt you; She will honor you if you embrace her.” (Proverbs 4:6-8, NASB)
Make the whole operation a grace deal. The Lord will lead you to your opposite number who is so wonderful, your thought-pattern will flip out. You will realize that you don’t earn or deserve them. They are God’s grace provision.
Develop an Edification Complex of the Soul
Single believers with a developed edification complex of the soul have a distinct advantage over the new or “babe” believers in identifying and then taking the time to recognize and discern the right kind of opposite number for marriage. This spiritual discernment is vitally important. 1 Cor. 7:9.
“But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7:9, NASB)
The edification complex of the soul is the inner soul structure that God the Holy Spirit builds using epignosis Bible doctrine as the building material and only comes about through consistent daily intake of Bible doctrine over several years. Application of Bible doctrine provides the discernment necessary to recognize the right one or the right kind of opposite number for you. This is the surest method for the believer.
No mistakes are ever made when believers have this soul stability and discernment. You should avoid “the big search” as God will provide the right one for you in His timing. Until that right one shows up, focus on spiritual growth. You should be perfectly grace-oriented and relaxed about finding the right one to marry.
A woman with an edification complex in her soul is the most valuable gift in the world. Prov. 31:10-31.
“An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:10-12, NASB)
“She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: "Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all."” (Proverbs 31:26-29, NASB)
Soul Compatibility
Soul compatibility is primarily for unbelievers, but believers can use some of these as guidelines. There is soul compatibility between self-consciousness with awareness of each other. There is soul compatibility between emotions. There is appreciation for each other. You enjoy the same things and feel the same way. Prov. 3l:28-29.
“Her children rise up and bless her; Her husband also, and he praises her, saying: "Many daughters have done nobly, But you excel them all."” (Proverbs 31:28-29, NASB)
There is soul compatibility between mentalities who think about each other. There is soul compatibility between volitions where there is a blending of wills resulting in desire to do the same things. Prov. 31:11-12.
“The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:11-12, NASB)
There is soul compatibility between consciences. Here, they are raised with the same norms and standards, the same background in culture, creed, race, and so on. Prov. 31:25-26.
“Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” (Proverbs 31:25-26, NASB)
There is soul compatibility in a good conversation about Bible doctrine or in some area of common interest, in silence, in doing active things that both enjoy, but staying away from production of scar tissue from mental attitude sins or fornicating.
Sometimes, there is soul compatibility of old sin natures producing the same areas of human good or sin. They have the same areas of asceticism or lasciviousness, the same pattern of likes and dislikes in their old sin natures. There is also opposite soul compatibility. In some instances, exact opposites may marry and have compatibility where the unifier is, of course, Bible doctrine.
Marriage to a Spiritually Mature Woman
In Proverbs 31:10-12, the value to a husband is stated for being married to a spiritually mature woman. Such a woman is a treasure because of the stability, beauty, integrity, and inner beauty of her soul.
“An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, And he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil All the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:10-12, NASB)
She is completely supportive of the marriage with an optimistic view of the future. She has a grace attitude based on the Bible doctrine in her soul. Prov. 31:22-27.
“She makes coverings for herself; Her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, When he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, And supplies belts to the tradesmen. Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future. She opens her mouth in wisdom, And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household, And does not eat the bread of idleness.” (Proverbs 31:22-27, NASB)